Drew Yates

The most awesome plan ever. I fail AND drop out of school so you don’t have to. So stop grinding out problem sets and make something you like right now.

EDIT: Uh oh, there is some contention over who is the worst CSE prof at OSU…

Last week I declared that I would not keep a resume.

Now I think: if I can’t even leave college and defy a mere three years, then what about that comfortable (but dead) career built over ten?

I know enough that if given the choice between something easy and familiar and something and frightening and difficult, I’ll eventually slip into the easier something. I don’t think anyone is different. You can’t be vigilant all the time. Willpower is more like rocket fuel. You get a short burst, but then you’re at the mercy of gravity. Use willpower wisely, and navigate effectively. Use it carelessly, and always settle back into habits no matter how much will you force on yourself.

It’s like a diet. Leave any escape, and you will fail. Those cookies in the pantry? Put them in the dumpster. Throw them away now. Do it.

But, but, I haven’t even opened them yet. And they were kind of expensive, but I only bought them because they were on sale. It would be wasteful to just THROW them away. They’re still perfectly good. Besides, I’ll just leave them here for guests, or I’ll just eat a few maybe after dinner sometime. Look, the package isn’t even open yet. Well, I may as well have a couple, since my diet doesn’t really start until tomorrow, and I was good for all of today…

No.

No, just stop. You’ve already failed. If you were serious about your diet, why would you keep the junk food? How much did those cookies cost? $4.39? Can you get your money back? No. Are you planning on eating them? No, not if you were really serious about your diet. But you kept them anyways. You really weren’t serious about your diet. If you were, you wouldn’t have any reason to keep junk food, now or in the future.

There is no try.

A college degree, to me, represents the same thing.

I want to make things people like. I want to be a great hacker.

But, just in case I don’t, I’ve got this “college degree” to prove to employers (or anyone else who cares) that I’m “good enough.”

This OSU college degree is like those self-defeating cookies in the cupboard. I’ll need this degree if I want to get some bullshit Midwestern corporate job… because my business failed. I’ll need a degree if I want to prove my education… because I didn’t do anything important worth knowing. I’ll need those cookies if I want to eat them… because I broke my diet.

This is such a great plan. I get all intellectual benefit of a college education with none of the baggage. Will I be a college drop out? Yah, sure. Whatever. And is that bad? I guess if you’re a loser and can’t make a living otherwise. But if you’re a superstar hacker or business genius, dropping out can be rather good. Am I one of these? Maybe not yet. But I had better become superstar hacker or business genius real quick if I do drop out of school. I’ll be forced to.

But Drew, you might say, it’s only a few months, and then you’re finished forever. Why not just tough it out? Finish up? Get your degree, and then you’ll have it. You don’t have to use it. You wouldn’t want to have wasted three years in college, right? And besides, what if you really do need your degree? Like you get a job offer that you really like? Or say somebody asks where you got your degree. Are you just going to tell them you failed out? It doesn’t have to be for a job. Don’t you know women prefer a man with a college degree and a stable job?

No.

No, just stop. You’ve already failed. If you were serious about your life, why would you keep the degree? How much did that degree cost? Three years? Can you get your time back? No. Are you planning on getting some corporate job? No, not if you were really serious about your ambitions. But you got the degree anyways. You really weren’t serious about your ambitions. If you were, you wouldn’t have any reason to pursue your degree, now or in the future.

There is no try.

And besides, it’s my three months, and I’ll do whatever I want with my three months. Maybe your time is worthless. Mine is not. And it’s non-refundable.

I choose to spend my time making things people want. I do not choose to sit in a hot, stuffy classroom and to memorize Three Letter Acronyms (TLA).

Think of this as both as a self-improvement project and my opinion of the value of my undergraduate degree.

People always talk about doing shit like this. I’m actually going to do it.

EDIT: To be clear: The OSU Fundamentals of Honors Engineering (FEH) program was very good. Also, Prof. David Mathias is the best CSE instructor, followed closely by Prof. John W. Heimaster (who is actually in the Physics department). Credit where credit is due.

The Plan

This is the first week (and a half) of the quarter, so I still have time to repent. If I wuss out, then I graduate. I am publishing this now so that there is no escape. Make some death ground.

#1: Do not drop any classes

I’ll just never show up to the ones that I don’t like, skip exams, and not turn in homework. I’m not “leaving” school. I’m failing it. On purpose.

#2: Edit: I changed my mind. I’m not even going to be in town the last two months of this quarter. Clean cuts.

#3: Fail all other classes

Not “W”. F (or “I”) Note: I may not be able to do this if I’m out of town. Oh well.

That’s it. For extra effect, I’d like to move out to Mountain View, CA this December while still enrolled. But, that would be only a bonus.

University Records

Warning: this part is boring

This would be a lame story if I was failing college already and then made an elaborate excuse to cover my failure. Here are screenshots from my university’s registrar for each quarter to prove that isn’t true.

Commentary:

• My GPA was lowest my first quarter, peaked at 3.78 in spring of my second year, and has been slowly decreasing since at an increasing rate.
• My first few quarters I was working 20 hours a week, telecommuting for my old “dotcom” job that I had in high school. I was also living in the freshman dorms. My grades clearly reflect this.
• My second year, I joined a fraternity, Phi Gamma Delta. I was getting straight A’s.
• In the spring of my second year, I had classes that I hated so much that I refused to go to class. This is when I discovered how easy it was to get an A-minus in a class.
• My third year, I did “cram-only” for classes I hated. That is, I only attended the exams and studied the morning before. This would reliably earn me a “C,” or a “B” if I did most of the homework.

For OSU CSE students:

• I got a C in H190 math my first quarter.
• I got an A in CSE 560.
• I hate Gojko Babic. He is the (second) worst CSE professor. You will have him for at least one class, if not two or three classes (I had him for three classes) because he’s the only guy who will consistently teach computer architecture.
• Edit: My friend Paul says that Eitan Gurari is the worst CSE professor at OSU. I’ve never had Gurari, so I can’t say for sure, but Paul is better at computers than I am, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Records

• Au03
• Wi04
• Sp04
• Au04
• Wi05
• Sp05
• Su05
• Au05
• Wi06
• Sp06
• Su06
• Au06 (now)

Edit: Authority

Since some of you have asked…

“When you will survive if you fight quickly and perish if you do not, this is called [death] ground… Put them in a spot where they have no place to go, and they will die before fleeing. If they are to die there, what can they not do? Warriors in great danger, then they have no fear. When there is nowhere to go, they are firm, when they are deeply involved, they stick to it. If they have no choice, they will fight.” —The Art of War, Sun-tzu

For stupid reasons, women (and sometimes men who are wusses) freak out over a stupid little house spider. They won’t shut up until you (the man) come and “save them.” Does it occur to them that the spider is smaller than a dime and is absolutely harmless? Of course not. They’re idiots. That’s why you (the man) have to interrupt whatever important thing you’re doing (surfing the Internet) to save the day. And by “save the day,” I mean “waste your time.”

Unless you want to be on call 24/7, you need to end this nonsense immediately. Here’s how to make sure you never get interrupted to kill a spider again. In the process, you will assert your masculinity, and your absolute dominion over all things domestic will remain unquestioned.

1. Follow woman into the offending room. Say nothing. Make no facial expression unless your ordinary face is steely contempt. If it is, good, keep making that face. If not, you’re probably a pussy and you should give up this charade immediately before you embarrass yourself. Don’t try not to cover when the exterminator arrives by blaming the woman. Trust me, he’s not impressed. He’s wearing that gas mask to avoid breathing your infectious pussitude.
2. Smash spider with the end of naked fist. Try to crack (but not break) the dry wall. Do NOT use a tissue. If you are afraid of a little spider guts on your hands, what if you need to kill a bear? It will happen, and you will not be prepared.
3. Wipe spider guts on the front of shirt. If you’re wearing a nice shirt, take it off and drop it on the floor. Make sure that the woman understands that you expect that shirt cleaned and pressed by the next morning, even if it’s not laundry day.
4. Leave.

I’m assuming that you’re dealing with a woman. If another man makes you kill a spider, punch him in the face. Then use a tissue and throw the spider in the trash. You don’t want to use your hand because if there is no woman, then you’re probably doing your own laundry, and you should never make laundry for yourself if you can avoid it.

The best way to do something is to do something else.

I like to destroy things that are important to me.

I remember the first time the first time that I intentionally destroyed something that I liked. I was 16 and I needed to visit the DMV for my driver’s test. But I had been playing Goldeneye all afternoon, and I waited until the last minute. In my rush, I forgot my registration papers. The DMV would close before my mom could drive me back home and back. I would have to reschedule for weeks later.

I was absent-minded like this all the time when I was younger. Ordinarily, I would be embarrassed and upset, but then douse the shame in television and video games.

But something snapped.

Later that evening when my parents were away, I took that Nintendo 64 into the backyard and smashed it with a sludge hammer. I accidently broke two bricks on the patio in front of the tool shed. I don’t think my dad ever knew who broke them.

I remember while setting the Nintendo on the ground, I noticed that I had forgotten to remove the memory expansion pack. I removed the pack so that I wouldn’t destroy it. But then, why did I care about the N64 memory pack if I was serious? I can’t remember if I replaced the memory pack before smashing the Nintendo. I immediately told my dad what I had done when he returned from whatever stupid errand he was running. He “informed” me that I would immediately buy myself a new Nintendo. I did.

I rarely speak with my parents anymore. I try, but there’s nothing to discuss. I visit, but on flips the television to the tune of a cluttered life. It’s poison.

The summer of my senior year in high school, I concluded that nobody was religious. My Methodist church had recently split over a particularly ardent new pastor with a Southern Baptist background. My family chose to leave with the new pastor. The rest of the congregation, it seems, could not be inconvenienced to question their own tepid suburban Christianity.

That pastor was Dennis Craft. I still deeply respect the man, even today. He sacrificed everything to honestly pursue what he believed. He was a bit of a hillbilly (where I have been mistaken for a New York ;Jew by a Korean classmate who didn’t know better), but he had a single-minded passion for God. I babysat his 2-year-old daughter and so I knew —that was all he had.

I would tithe ten thousand dollars to the church. Anonymously. In cash. I didn’t have ten thousand dollars, but I did work part-time at a local dotcom that summer for $15 an hour. So I saved every cent of my paycheck in a savings account. I didn’t buy anything. At the end of the summer, I withdrew $3500 in cash from the bank. I remember worrying that the 5/3 bank teller would accuse me of drug dealing. I placed the cash in an unmarked white envelope. That Sunday, I dropped the envelope into the tithe basket on my way out the door. I gleefully noted my father’s sub $100 tithe check in the basket.

That week, I left for college at the Ohio State University. I hated the Ohio State University. I told my parents that I hated OSU. I told them that it was a rustbelt football school for idiots, that it was terrible for computer science, and that I hoped the Buckeyes lost every football game forever because fuck them. Both my parents were OSU alumni. This did not sit well. But the price was right (free + a good stipend after tution), and I certainly wasn’t going to MIT. So off I went.

While away at school, the church disbanded over “theological differences with the Methodist doctrine.” Pastor Craft was relocated out of town. He eventually left the Methodist church under the same “differences” excuse. From what I understand, the real reason his splintered church was disbanded was because it was only 4 or 5 families of increasingly flagging interest. Worse, he had made irreconcilable enemies with the local church administration when old church split.

Old church ladies can be nasty.

I never did completely fulfill my promise to myself to tithe ten thousand dollars. I eventually told my parents what I had done perhaps a year later. I hope they questioned their own supposed commitments. I think they just bought a larger television. That’s what you do when your kids move away, you hate your job, your marriage sucks, and your religion is bullshit… but you’re too much of a coward to do anything.

And I’m going to be a millionaire before I’m 25.

Old Rules

I have a few habits of destruction that keep me fresh.

I never save music on my computer for longer than a few weeks. I have no “music collection.” I don’t own an iPod. I listen to only news and classical music on the radio. Before I mentioned that I destroyed my Tool’s 10000 Days CD. That was the only CD that I owned. I had only bought it three weeks ago. I used to have a music collection, but when my hard drive crashed several years ago, I never rebuilt it. I used to own music CDs, but I destroyed them all.

Computer games are forbidden. I destroyed all my computer game CDs. I think I bought and destroyed Warcraft three times.

I still listen to music, but usually only new music from Jamedo. Sometimes, I’ll listen to a music video on YouTube if the sound quality is OK. When I do listen to a song, I’ll find one or two that I like, play it on a loop for several days, and then never play it again. This has the odd effect of linking music with memories. So for instance, Tool’s Lateralus is associated with a discrete slice of my life. The Crystal Method’s Blast is another slice. I even try not to remember the name of the band or the name of the song. I have a lot of songs like that. I’d only recognize it if I heard it; I couldn’t tell you the song name if I wanted to.

Anything in storage is suspect to destruction. My reason that if I don’t need it now, I don’t need it at all. It’s just clutter. I have some boxes of old things at my parents house. When they told me to sort through one of the boxes and take what I needed home with me to school, I didn’t look in the box. I just dumped it at the curb and then got a snack. This unsettled my Mom who muttered something about keeping me away from the rest of my old stuff in the attic.

Any object chronically “out-of-place” is suspect to destruction. If it doesn’t have a place, then it’s unnecessary clutter. That any object feels “in-place” is a psychological trick, anyways. If something doesn’t feel right, then subconciously you probably don’t want it and its continual presence is stressful.

When my dishwasher broke, I threw away all of my dishes except for one of everything. That way, I never have dishes in the sink. If I need something, I just rinse it off. Nothing ever sits around and gets disgusting. It is the perfect kitchen strategy.

I used to drink maybe four or five cans of Mountain Dew a day. Mountain Dew can now never be bought at the grocery store. I can still drink it, but only at restaurants. I was going to start drinking coffee, but then I read at Anonymous Lawyer that coffee is for plebeians.:”(Yes, I know Anon Lawyer is fake.)”: I started drinking tea instead. I’ve been pretty happy with that decision so far. My new problem is with energy drinks, and they are high on the suspect list for cuts.

Porn is never saved. Ever. I never look at the same porn twice if I can avoid it. Porn collections are lame. If you admit to having one, then it’s like a badge of pride —a stupid badge of pride for lecherous nerds. If you don’t admit to having one, then you have a collection, but it’s a constant burden of shame. What if your family finds out? What if baby Jesus cry when you masturbate? Oh shit! Oh no! I choose neither. I’ll look at all the porn I want, but I don’t have a collection. Problem solved.

I rarely (if ever) use Instant Messenger. I used be online all the time and had a full buddy list. I now have a Buddy List of 20, though if I actually signed on again, I’d make it about 4. I deleted my Facebook account. I think I used to have a LiveJournal page that I posted to once and then deleted. I’ve never had a MySpace page (though I have an account to see pictures.) I don’t belong to any other social networking site unless you count Reddit. Most social networking sites are a waste of time and are for bored teenagers and losers. How about I make my own website and say and do whatever I want. Then, if you like it, you can come to My Website, not Facebook, not bullshit MySpace, but My Website. No obligation. No strings attached. No idiot friends list. No stupid pictures of morons chugging beer. I don’t want that shit to mar MY Website. Just read this, or not, and then leave. You can tell your friends, but only if they’re not idiots and are unlikely to send me stupid emails.

I block a list websites behind a 30-character password that is a chore to type. Most of the blocked sites are dorky webcomics that I’ve fallen into the habit of obsessively checking. YTMND is very blocked. I could watch those little hypnotic loops for hours. Regrettably, both Reddit and Digg are also blocked. I did learn a lot from some of the links on Reddit during the early Lisp:”(Lisp is programming language that Reddit used to use)”: days (I have one of the first accounts on Reddit). But when Steve Yegge called Reddit the “new television,” I knew he was right. Something had to be done. I still check Reddit and Digg, but now only about once a week, rather than every hour like I used to.

I have a few other initiatives that aren’t quite rules. I try to reformat my computer, rebuild my system, and sort all my files every so many months. I give away books that I really like and throw out obsolete technology books or books that I think were trash. I hope that eventually I can forget these rules. They would have become ordinary habits. I’m sure, though, that I’ll have many more rules to add.

New Rule: No Resume

I think it’s time for a new rule: No Resume.

…No Resume. No Degree. No “awards.” My resume is (was) pretty good. I’m about 10 weeks away from graduating with a degree in Computer Science Engineering at OSU and I’ll probably earn some Latin-flavored diploma. I had a rather impressive list of awards and “leadership positions.” I had a pretty good work history (mostly in entrepreneurship) and a long skill list.

But it’s all a crutch.

Let’s try an experiment. Burn ships.

What did I get on my ACT? I forget. What was my GPA? Why, I don’t even remember getting my degree. Whoops! I guess we’ll have to go for the gold, now.

Suddenly, the bullshit I put up with for years to build my resume is gone. It simply doesn’t exist anymore. The honoraries, the superfluous extra-circular activities, the points and lists and numbers and titles… GONE.

And all that I did was refuse to keep my resume .

I guess all that shit wasn’t important. Oh well.

So from now on, if you want to know who I am or what I’ve done, you’ll have to know about my work on its own merit. It will have to be published, and it will have to matter, or else it didn’t happen.

You need my resume? Too. Bad. Nothing important ever got done that required a resume. If I’m not good enough without a special list of titles to prove it, I’m not good enough at all. And I probably don’t want whatever bullshit job waiting for me behind your HR wringer. Bitches.

Gives you a new perspective on how to spend your time, yes?

Mmmmmmmm, destroying things.

MOAR

Your work is as good as how much people like it.

I’ve just finished updating the copy on my web consulting business, Fizbang, and I’ve noticed that my writing voice has changed. Before, I was careful to feign corporate-esque enthusiasm. Self-references were “we.” Imperatives were softened with “we would love you to” or “please.” Otherwise, they’re hyped with an exclamation point.

We’d love to hear from you!

Enough of that.

Something changed. Going back and reading the copy, what I used to think read as “professional” now seemed flaky or, worse, dishonest. There is no “we.” Just me. And my thoughts. And my design. Who was I trying to fool? Myself, maybe.

Where does this style of writing come from? I think fear. It’s hard to admit that you’re writing for yourself. I think it’s even more frightening to admit you’re writing for another person. Not “people.” You. Not “it” or “we.” Me.:”(Grammatically, this parallel should be “I.” Eat me.)”:.

That’s another English glitch that has always irked me. The taboo of the Second-Person. We learn in school that “real writing” is impersonal. “Use the Third-Person!” they say, as if admitting an author or audience is akin to pulling back the wizard’s curtain. Oo tra la-la, c’est faux pas! I suppose this was to wean us from the insipid, self-centered drivel everyone writes as a kid. But at least it was honest drivel. Instead, we learn to write obfuscated, self-centered drivel by tacking together empty but authoritative phrases like: “It is important to note that” or “One must recognize that” or (God forbid) “Certainly, it is obvious that.”

Important? To whom? Who notes? One? One what? One “individual?” Certainly? You mean you are certain? What are you trying to say?

And round we go
this stupid dance
around our “You’s” and “I’s.”

So why the pretense?

I think it’s yet another dodge to avoid critical thought and it’s insidious consequence, argument. It’s as if a little sed s/you/one:”(sed is a command-line tool to replace text with other text. I mean people use “you” and “one” interchangeably, but somehow “you” is taboo and “one” is the obnoxiously euphemistic substitute. Every time I see “one” used as a pronoun, it makes me think of crumpets and face-stomping.)”: is the almighty aegis against all judgement. And if nobody judges, then nobody can be offended, questioned, or wrong. And how conveniently safe for Susan Copywrite and her Self-Conscious Student counterpart. Why, if she detaches her message far enough from an actual written dialog, who has the right to consider it seriously? I mean, certainly it is “serious,” as in “austere and unpleasant.” But never “seriously,” as in “deeply interested.”

Deeply interested. Consider a moment: something that deeply interests you… and, quick! A graduate student slogging through a stack of undergrad papers!

Did you feel that? —a nasty blotch of contrast clean across your pleasant thought? Sorry I had to do that to you. That wasn’t very nice.

So I understand the abhorrence of critical thought in business copy. Nobody sells to the rational mind (or not for long.) Critical thought is death. We want your trust, your greed, your lust, and especially, your fear. Why, those pesky reasonable thoughts might just reason you right out of my sale. We’ve already spent so much to hype our hyper-processed crap that it’d be a shame if you didn’t buy it. Or hell, maybe you’d start forgetting just which evil-bad-men we’re supposed to be terrified of today. Or maybe you’d start feeling a little silly about comparing clothes with the neighborhood every Sunday to sing the Oogly-Boogly. Who knows?

And we can’t have that.

But what about at school? Aren’t we learning to think?

Perhaps. But think how?

It is important to consider that in today’s modern society, one must utilize revolutionary new paradigms of critical thought to successfully compete in an increasingly class-divisive and technologically complex hegemonic world.

*Barf*

No wonder why blogs have become so popular. You can write how you like, and people can read what writers enjoy.

It’s almost as if we can have a written dialog, you and me, without trying to stilt our shallow, poorly reasoned ideas.

Because nobody gives a shit.

Or at least, people do care, but the incentive to hide behind inflated prose is gone–unless you’re trying to sell something. Didn’t Plato write dialogs? Even Knuth’s “The Art of Computer Programming,” an otherwise dry topic, is presented like you and Knuth are at the chalkboard and Knuth is at the helm. Other books have since rewritten the same material in less detail. But no other text on the subject is as enjoyable to read, even despite the density. Knuth’s personal voice makes the text that much better. If only every scholar were smart enough to write for all of us to understand and enjoy.

But does distant language have a purpose? Sure. It’s like the bureaucracy at a big company. It dampens everything you say to a rather low but predictable mean. If you’re a moron, distant language is a good way to hide your dullness. If you’re writing on the behalf of your employer, your only real motivation is not to say something that makes you trouble, so distant language is a safe choice.:”(Another is if you’re in power and saying something of substance gives your political or business enemies a position to attack. This is beyond this topic on this essay, though.)”:

But what if you really do have something to say? Why try to dampen your message? That’s for morons and tools. Bring the language down. Let’s chat. Let’s say something.

Unfortunately, if you’ve never bothered to think for yourself before, your “fun new Internet fad” might manifest a mind-crushing MySpace page. But don’t worry too much about your “future employer” finding it. Everyone already knows you’re a drunken fuck monkey. It’s just never been polite to tell you to your face… and until now it’s never been prudent to self-publish your stupidity.

Oh well.

You know who you are…

Wow, that was really smooth how you put the “power moves” on me with that palm-down fist-trap you call a handshake, asshole. You didn’t think I could see right through you shit-eating grin? I could. You don’t know shit. Except, maybe, all that “how to intimidate your way to the top” bullshit from those self-help books that you read that are written at a sixth-grade reading level. I’m so impressed.

Did you think that because I know to use a computer beyond shuffling numbers in Microsoft Excel means that I’d make a good subordinate for you? Guess what. I’d rather burn alive than delete porn on your computer because MS Solitaire locks. Not that I’m your personal IT guy. I’m a hacker. And I don’t even work here. Did you forget that?

You think you’re so important with your MBA-track education. Oh shit dude, not an MBA. Did they teach you to “hire smarter” than yourself in bizskool, too? I love hearing that one fall out of the mouths of you tools in Business Builders Club. Did it ever occur to you that smart people work for other smart people because they can help each other? Sure, you might be able to intimidate Dilbert Jr. and friends into writing you yet another bullshit Web Database Application for a lame business idea that will never work. But then, I guess that wouldn’t make them as smart as you thought if, you, of all people, managed to trick them. I guess that’s why you’ll be paying down those student loans for the next ten years. Have fun.

The smartest, most successful people that I’ve ever had the honor of meeting always have offered me even handshakes. Do you get that? “Even handed?” “A Fair Shake?” These aren’t empty clichés. Truly smart and successful people don’t resort to cheesy gimmicks like vice-shakes to get what they want. Is that because they are fair and honest people? Maybe. But why would smart people want to do business with weak-willed, cowardly morons? How is a coward ever going to accomplish anything for anyone? Nobody wins. It’s bad business. So why bully? At best, morons will eventually mail you resumés so you can conveniently shuffle them into cubicles with all the other morons —where they can be supervised.

So good luck with your “business venture.” Dick.

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RE: Mikey J

A letter from a enthusiastic young potential leader

Mr. Yates glad to have finally met you. Really looking forward to some upper management, and the possibility of cowering in your shadow every once and awhile. Looking forward to doing everything that I can to make you look awesome. Will be waiting when my time comes to make the people under me feel used.

Free Leadership Announcement! Re: Mike Johnston

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You too can join Free Leadership Experience!

Are you in the top 85% of your class? Do you have $74 dollars? You too can be an honorary member of Free Leadership Experience! All you have to do is send us a check for $87 dollars and add “Free Leadership Experience” to your (surely extensive) list of honors on your résumé! But I swear to God, if you lie on your résumé and do not send us our $91 dollar membership fee, we will know because all serious employers must verify your honorary membership with our Honorary Membership Database. And we will find you. And when we do, we will tear your face off and cram the chunks of flesh down your bare esophagus until you die. Seriously.

Also, don’t forget, your membership dues are due this Friday. Please don’t forget. Thanks.

NEW FREE BONUS! Your exclusive Free Leadership Experience membership now includes guaranteed resumé inclusion! Which other honorary societies offer that?

Oh noes! They Be Hating on Free Leadership Experience!

Sometimes, after getting the same university spam over and over again, even after many requests to be removed from the mailing list, some emails particularly displease me. For instance, here is (yet again) one more email from Anon Honorary Bot #3423, TEXNIKOI.

Greetings,

TEXNIKOI is an honorary fraternity for students in the college of engineering. TEXNIKOI promotes promotes participation in campus activities in order to develop administrative and leadership abilities, as well as a well-rounded college life.

If you are interested in Texnikoi and would like to join, please read and fill out the attached document. TEXNIKOI is open to sophomores, juniors, and seniors, and all students must have a GPA of 2.5 and above. TEXNIKOI’s focus is on student activities and leadership, both of which are needed for induction in to texnikoi.

Sincerely,

Luke Neyer

TEXNIKOI Initiation Chair

Perhaps if this time I personally email all seven bazillion of OSU TEXNIKOI’s officers with an obvious demonstration of why I do not qualify as “honorable?” Will they go away?

Leaders of Texnikoi,

Wow, I can definitely see this is an organization that prides itself for its leadership. Look at all the leaders I had to send this email to!

Honestly, I would love to be a member of a leadership organization where _everyone_ gets to a leader, but, unfortunately, I’m already a member of a conflicting organization:
http://drewyates.net/free-leadership-experience

As you can see, not only is Free Leadership Experience’s crest not crudely drawn in MS Paint, but it offers comparable benefits for less time commitment than TEKNIKOI does.

And so, I am not qualified to join your esteemed honorary society. Please do not send me any more emails. I understand that I’m on the mailing list. I don’t care. Do not send me more emails. You’re no different than any other toolshed quarterly fee club on campus, and I’m not impressed.

-Drew Yates

NO!

Wow, you’re a dick. For your info, it was not a mailing list; the College gave us permission to publish to the entire enrolled CoE population because we are a registered student organization just like the other 800-some at the University.

Additionally, we are not a quarterly fee. It’s $40 one-time, and we get free trips, beer, pizza, and scholarships.

I bet your Free Leadership Society doesn’t do any of that.
- Show quoted text -

–
Danelle Violet
Undergraduate
Materials Science & Engineering
The Ohio State University

Oh burn! It’s actually only a $40 ONE-TIME fee, and instead of buying your own goddamn pizza and beer for $40, you get to share it with 50 other anonymous resume padders! Score!

No, actually, I’d be a dick if I took this email and published it, which I am going to do now.

-Drew

Yah, I didn’t have the energy to do this. But it’s required for me to complete before I can graduate from the Computer Science department, so I gave em the ol’ college try.

From the survey:

Q: What single aspect of the CSE program did you find most helpful? Explain briefly.

A: This survey, which I expected to be Somewhat Important, but I only now Slightly Agree that it was Somewhat Satisfactory.

Q: What single change in the CSE program would you most like to see? Explain briefly.

A: Please add more abstruse verbosity to your exit surveys.

Here’s my entire completed CSE exit survey. I don’t recommend trying to read too many of the questions.

Dilbert walks away from all the bullshit and goes home.

Since, you know, if Dilbert was really so smart, he’d figure out that he doesn’t have to be such a bitch everyday.

Credit to Scott Adams for Dilbert.

Go To End of Dilbert Comic Strip

The modern Gentleman’s seduction technique. An abstract for your refined academic consumption. Now with IEEE citation.

The Grab and Scream: an abstract

Testamonials

Matt Anderson, Comp Sci Graduate Student:
I used to have to, like, talk to girls and buy them shit. It was a real waste of time. But thanks to the “Grab and Scream”, I can hurry up and bang and get back to playing World of Warcraft.

Jill Wattsman, 5^th year Communications Undergraduate:
Why are my breasts so unusually large and firm?

Edit: Correction

Please do not confuse the “Grab and Scream” with the better-sounding —but totally different— “Grab and Stab.” I refuse to have my original sociological research tainted by such an obvious and trivial technique. You uncivilized hacks.

Last night at a club, an artistic girl balked when I claimed that Tool:”(My favorite song is Lateralus. I’m somewhat obsessed with ratios. Take a screenshot of this website and measure the ratios between margins between major elements… or just view-source the CSS. I missed a did few, though, notably in the body-text. Next time…)”: was my favorite band.

Yah, I’m a clod (I grew up in Ohio), but I’m no music shill. I know that I readily mistake recognition for interest. It’s same force that perpetuates the Bar-niform and the Web2.0Logo^beta. Competent marketers know: it’s easier and safer to sell familiar than strange. And does Clear Channel employ anyone but marketers?

So my tastes can be manipulated by fashion. Oh well. I can’t be a curmudgeon :”(Compare this hilarious Sphere movie review with this “Damian’s” Sphere review at IMDB. What’s in-between?)”: in everything. I already have enough trouble keeping my snobbery to myself… See? I’m leaking snob now.

I think of radio music as junk food. No substance, but neatly packaged for my convenient consumption. Like snackcakes! Yum yum.

How is Tool a tasty snack?

• It sounds good on my crappy car radio :”(I sometimes like to listen to classical music in the car, but classical music has such high fidelity demands that most of the music is lost through my cheap car stereo)”:
• It’s actually played on the radio (see above)
• Guitars, drums, angry vocals… hello young white suburban male

I’m not arguing the artistic merit of Tool’s music. At least we can agree that the music isn’t shamelessly crude. That’s good enough for me. :”(It’s like seduction. Everyone wants sex. But some people are insulted when you grab them and scream “LET’S *breath* FFFFUUUUUCKKKK!!!!” You’re supposed to play the indirection romance game. Actually… does the “grab and scream” work? I’ll have to try that!)”:

You are a liar if you claim that you hate everything hyper-processed, music, food, or otherwise. Yah, even you, Ms. “I’m drinking a Budweiser.” :”(Not that there’s anything wrong with Budweiser. I was drinking one, too. Also, I hate beer snobs. Nobody is impressed. Douchebags.)”: People are just naturally disposed to like certain things. That doesn’t mean you should cram lard down your face (Nickelback). But it does mean that you shouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying the occasional snack.

Go on. You deserve it.

Also, Do you like my new footnote toy?:”(yes)”:

—

Addendum: Preachy bloggy sermons means it’s time for new rules. The rule to make rules is the rule —my hands are tied. Rules have to be followed. That’s why they’re rules. Therefore, I now forbid all Tool music on my computer and all my Tool CDs are hereby destroyed. Further, I am removing the “new rock” radio station from my car radio rotation. It’s a shame, but it had to be done. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.