Drew Yates

Some business stuff took off recently, and I need to reconsider what I can and can not spend energy writing about. I like writing, but I also like not fucking up my business. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.

This is a rewrite of How To Get Kicked Out of CSE Class

I am an undergraduate senior of “Computer Science and Engineering” at The Ohio State University —pronounced “thee” — spoken as you’d imagine Shelly Levene’s nephew brags about his Honda Civic. I walk into class. It’s CSE ###, and I need this class to graduate. Attendance is graded.

CSE ###: Principles of design, implementation, validation, and management of computer software.

translation:

CSE ###: The College of Engineering won a turf war and to celebrate we’re grinding a list of “engineering objectives” into the curriculum. Learn about teamwork by having powerpoint slides read to you while sitting in small groups of strangers. Fluent english? Optional.

This class had a reputation for being particularly soul crushing, even for an engineering class at a midwest state school. My roommate even adjusted his major to avoid this class. But salvation was a mere 25 weeks away. Why trudge this far only to trudge further later? An ominous proposition. I scan the small concrete classroom and instinctively make for the emptiest area of the room. I’d add a nerd joke about algorithmic seating optimization if we had actually learned things like this.

I settle into a plastic chair that seemed least broken and begin to practice writing the alphabet with my left-hand. I had always thought it’d be cool if I could write with both hands at once.

Meeting Bob

After an obligatory week of reading aloud the course syllabus and reviewing the university policy for plagiarism (there was homework), we learn “the Definition of Software Engineering.” Or not. Or something. Hey, memorize this:

IEEE (Std 610-1990)
(1) the application of systematic, disciplined, quantifiable approach to the development, operation and maintenance of software; that is the application of engineering to software
(2) the study of approaches as in (1)

“Mr. … uh, ” Bob, our instructor, squints at the seating chart. Good bet on the chair; first day attendance: always essential to the optimal classroom experience. “Mr. Yates. What do you think of this definition?”

I pause, but not in thought: it’s fucking 8am and it’s summer. …No, wait… good attitude. Dude, come on, just try to participate.

“I think… I think that that’s not a definition, or at least, a pretty sucky one.”

Silence. God, this is so boring. Fuck you, Bob… No —no wait, I mean, oh boy! an opportunity to learn from Bob! I take a sip from my Mountain Dew Amp. (Mountain Dew: now for college!)

“Uh, hm, well… what do you mean it’s not a definition?”

“I mean, it just repeats the same words it’s trying to define and pads them with a bunch of technical words. And what’s with the numbering? This looks like some nerd committee had to bullshit their way through some assignment, and so to cover their asses, they scribbled some shit on a whiteboard until what they had was as abstruse and meaningless as possible.”

And so begins my relationship with Bob.

“So, uhm, hm. But… do you see anything else wrong with this definition?”

Click. Next slide. I was powerpointed.

Whatever… I dent the sides of my empty can with my thumb and finger. Palm each end —firm pressure and a small twist. I carefully place the wreckage equidistant between four same-colored tiles on the floor.

The correct answer is “people.” Why?

The helpful diagram helps illustrate exactly where “people” belong in software engineering.

I push the crumpled can behind the table leg with my foot.

Software Spec Project

In CSE ###, we had three mini-projects designed to “simulate realistic workplace scenarios.” Specifically, we learned about “teamwork.” What says “we’re better than a vocational school” better than euphemistic business-speak?

The Mini-Project Three was preliminary software documentation for imaginary software contractor, Buckeye Analysts. The premise: CEO of Buckeye Analysts, Mr. Archie, has a company cafeteria problem. He wants to fix it with software. And guess what? He has trusted you (and 4 other identical teams) to design an enterprise software solution! Oh sweet!

Thought Crime

So I think to myself: Wow, What an easy assignment! I’ll just have imaginary office assistant, Doris Buckeye, email the company that cafeteria will close in two weeks. We’ll convert the cafeteria to a breakroom and temporary storage, buy a ping pong table, Doris will order a party sub from Subway, and everyone will get an extra fifteen minutes for lunch. Everybody wins.

In the meantime, expensive engineers won’t dicking around writing bullshit documentation for unsalable in-house imaginary software. They’d probably be happier and more productive, you know, writing imaginary software for imaginary customers to make the company imaginary money. Wasting time and money on an unpopular, money-hemorrhaging cafeteria would be stupid, right?

Problem solved. Duh.

Just kidding.

So, I wasn’t too enthusiastic about this project. While working, I expressed my dissatisfaction with a little Dilbert on the project wiki. No big deal, I could easily change it later when we finished the project.

From the image:

[a picture of Dilbert] this is you. Thank you for selling your irreplaceable time to the company, it is worth far less than your work.

[a picture of Dogbert] Hello and thank you for choosing Dogbert Consulting. For the fixed price of twice the yearly salary of one of your employee engineers, we outsource your software engineering by paying (or stealing) the work of our own underpaid engineers.

Here are the exciting BLT [Buckeye Lunch Transactions] enterprise solutions we have prepared. If you have doubts, we will unleash such a torrent of meaningless buzz-word technobiz until you submit. Otherwise, you’d have to admit that you don’t know what we’re talking about. And you won’t do _that_, that would make you look stupid!

[each name is a link to another team’s project]
Enterprise BLT, Corporate Edition

The BLT Intergrated Development Suite v2008

The BLT Ajax Soap System

SynergBLT, the Luncation Solutionization

Tattletale in Training

My “teammate” doesn’t think this is so amusing. He squeals like a good employee to Teacher Bob. Prick. But project is already basically done, so I “reply-all:”

From: Me
That’s ok, just chill out. It’s just a silly make-believe assignment for some class.

-Drew

No big deal. Bob is CC’d, but so what?

From: Bob
Drew

I certainly agree with you that this project is “make-believe”; however, I want you to know that it was not intended to be “silly”.

You clearly have a right to your view, but it would have been better to convey your feelings directly to me (not in this indirect way), and to do it earlier.

Given the nature of your feelings, I suggest:

1) we arrange a meeting with the Deparment Chair (or whoever he would desgnate
to discuss your concerns

or

2) you withdraw from the class (I will sign it Tuesday).

Please respond ASAP with your preference.

Bob

I always work best when I’m pissed.

I redo the week-long project myself in a few hours. The result is much more decent —at least, much better than the crap that the other student teams had hacked together. Whatever, I did my job. This is engineering. That should be enough.

From: Me
I choose [URL to the final project]

-Drew

Nope.

From: Bob
Apparently you think your response answers my questions.

It does not.

On Monday at 8am, I will pursue this matter in accordance with Departmental and University guidelines. Until then you are invited to offer clarification of your concerns about the course and the criticism of the current project.

Bob

The Response

From: Me
My implicit response was that I did the assignment and that I don’t have anything else to say.

—

What would I say to the Department chair? “Hey Mr Director, I’m sick and tired of school. I’m tired of working really hard on hard contrived problems, just so my hard work is scribbled on and crumpled up and thrown in the trash. Mr. Director, I’m tired of chasing points. I’ve been doing this for 22 years. It’s not making me very happy.

Mr Director, it frustrates me that I need a degree. But it’s like when your car breaks down. You can sit there and wallow in the unfairness. Or you can start walking. Me? I’m going walk, but sometimes I’m going to get pissed. Sorry.

Mr. Director, I’m scared shitless every time I look to see what time it is. I’ve done the math. Tick tock Mr. Director.

And so, Mr. Director, you may think that would change the way I choose to spend my time. Maybe. Or maybe, instead of visiting my mother on her birthday and seeing my family whom I haven’t seen all summer, I instead worked alone in my dark apartment on a school project. And maybe that didn’t make me feel very good about myself, Mr. Director. Actually, it didn’t.

So I hope when Mr. Archie returns from his business vacation in Las Vegas that my personal sacrifices at least helped the company. Yah, I suppose it’s unfair that because I sell my time to do things I don’t like, Mr. Archie and the stockholders get to own my work. I guess that’s what happens when you go to work as a junior Java programmer at a midwest software contractor. That’s what my 3 year (and one quarter) CSE degree prepared me for. But I knew that going in, right? After all, whips make dogs but gifts make slaves.

Oh wait.

You know what’s funny, Mr. Director? All those Dilbert comics. Walk around Hitchcock [engineering]. Around Dreese [EE and CS]. Wow, a strip is on every other door! They sure must be hilarious. You know what, Mr. Director? Maybe I’ve decided that Dilbert comics aren’t so funny anymore.

Oh well.

I guess, statistically, historically, I otherwise would have been a serf. I’d rather be an engineer than a serf. Yes.

So, Mr. Director, please placate me, a single student in your university of 50,000. Thank you for your understanding.”

—

As for dropping your class? In the 9th [of 10] week? And after I’ve already done most of the work and I need the class for my software spec engineering degree so that I can graduate this fall?

—

So is your assignment silly? It’s no more or less “silly” than memorizing anthropology vocabulary or solving physics problem sets. Whatever you call hard work at nothing, I suppose.

Actually, I was wrong. You’re assignment is less silly. Maybe it was just a little too realistic. My mistake.

—

So you want to send me to the Principal’s office? What will they tell me that I need to know?

Mr. Yates! Please uphold your scholarly pursuits with the utmost dignity and respect.
Mr. Yates! Please do not draw penises on the chalkboard.
Mr. Yates! Please dispose of all liquids before boarding. Thank you for your continued patronage at American Airlines.

I would, of course, prefer not to have to arbitrary disciplinary charges trumped up against me for, of all things, posting a dilbert comic on a wiki.

And so, let me tell you what I’m going to do:

1) shut up
2) do my work

In fact, I’ll do more than that. This Monday or Tuesday, you will see me, and I won’t be wearing a gray tshirt, khaki shorts, and glasses. I’ll get a hair cut, bleach my teeth, hit the gym, and put on my “creative, young business type” clothes.

And you will say something like “and you certainly have a right to your opinion” and “your conduct was unprofessional and uncalled for,” and I will emphatically agree. I will drop my voice tone and shrug, look down at the right time, flash the teeth at the right time, and it will be as if it was just some minor adolescent bump. Why, I was just a little stressed. With school. And all. And I was just a little upset that I missed my mother’s birthday. It’s ok. No, really. I mean, I’ll see her at the end of the quarter. It’s no big deal. And she understands. It’s no big deal. It’s cool.

I mean, that’s ok, I’ll just chill out. It’s just a silly make-believe assignment for some class. Right?

-Drew

Kicked Out

I expecting to defend myself to the administration. Fear makes your write.

I didn’t expect this.

From: The Professor
Mr. Yates

PLEASE - ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS EMAIL BEFORE MIDNIGHT MONDAY AUGUST 14
ALONG WITH YOUR RESPONSE - SEE BELOW.

I have read the emails you sent on Friday and Saturday and am sharing with you my candid reaction. In your mail, and at other times this summer, you have made clear your disenchantment with CSE 757 and my teaching of it. I take seriously your feedback and will fold it into that received from other students. In the future, I would encourage you to constructively share concerns and give feedback to faculty about courses. Each student has personal needs and preferences with respect to learning. While it is not always possible to arrange learning that optimally serves all students, if faculty are not aware of what works for students, then it is difficult to accomodate them. I suggest you approach this in a straightforward way, asking for time to discuss your concerns directly with a faculty. Generally this works better and has a better chance of positive impact than the less direct approaches you elected to use this summer to voice your displeasure.

Please know that I respect that you have opinion about 757 and support your academic freedom to express your opinion. My problem is with your unwillingness to speak directly about your concerns and your choice to undermine the teaching of this course with other students. I never saw the Dilbert cartoon you mention, nor would I expect that I would have had any problem with it. Finally, it is important you know that I have no intent of “trumping up charges” against you for what you have done to date.

However, I am VERY uncomfortable with both the tone and content of your communication, and feel it best that we have no further face-to-face contact for the rest of the quarter. I am asking that you agree to the following:

1. You will attend no more classes of CS&E 757

you will be marked as present so this does not negatively impact you class participation marks

2. You will not approach me on campus or elsewhere

in the classroom, in my office, etc.

3. You will contact me only through email

or through a pre-arranged phone conversation, or via a pre-arranged meeting that would be attended by other members of the CS&E Department

4. You will be given a homework assignment this week via email

and will submit electronically as directed

5. You will be given a take-home exam for your final

It will be prepared by me, sent to you by email, with a clear deadline and directions for electronic submittal of your exam

6. Your final will be read by another CS&E faculty member (your name will not be revealed to them)

To ensure my grading is done fairly without prejudice

7. Two members of the CS&E Department will monitor this situation (they WILL know your identity)

They will be copied on all email and will be given progress reports

8. The above faculty members are available to you upon request

Should you have any concern about the fairness of this plan as proposed or executed.

I hope that you will quickly agree to this plan if it satisfies both your expressed need to receive credit for this course and your implied need of not being subjected to a course presentation that you find not to your liking.

————————————————————————————
Please acknowledge this mail and simply reply either with:

- a clear statement of your agreement to all the points above
- an indication of any points with which you do not agree
(along with suggested changes)

I ask that you reply by midnight today (Monday, August 14)
————————————————————————————-

Mr Yates, you are very bright, and clearly have the ability to master the content of CS&E 757. In the exercise of your academic freedom, you must also respect the rights and feelings of others who also enjoy rights as members of the Ohio State Community. By giving you this opportunity to finish CS&E 757, neither I, nor the CS&E Department condone your behavior.

If the pressures you express in your recent email are overwhelming, I strongly encourage you contact the OSU Counseling and Consultation Service at 614-###-#### or http://www.###.ohio-state.edu/

Bob

From: Me
I accept and appreciate your offer. I’m sorry if my email was mistaken to be menacing, it was not meant to be. It was merely my opinion of the self-depreciation culture of engineering –energized with personal experience. For that I am not sorry. While frameworks and user-specs are important, the dismissal of issues like “why are there no American girls in computer science engineering” suggest such rot that I cannot help but notice.

-Drew

I finish the class at home. A week later, I’m rewarded with this big red bold note on my take-home final:

WARNING

The exam tests your knowledge of software engineering related to the teaching of 757 this summer. While you may offer your opinion in the answers, please be sure to give the rationale behind your thinking. Your answers should respond to the questions. There should be NO explicit reference or even an indirect hint of your recent behavior, the response to it, the faculty or staff of the CS&E Department or OSU, other students in the course, etc. I am confident you understand what is appropriate and what is not. Should I find any reference anything in your exam that in my opinion is unrelated to the question being asked, I will stop grading your exam, and record a zero for your final. Before submitting your exam, please read it carefully to ensure there is no possibility of misinterpreting your words in this regard — there will be NO opportunity for you to later say “I really didn’t mean it that way”

I got a D- for Mini Project and a B for the course.

Next quarter, I enrolled, dropped out, and took my scholarship money to Silicon Valley.

I have mixed feelings about plants growing over the sidewalk.

I dream that when I clench my jaw to rub the tension, a tooth pops out. In my dream, I always pop it back in the socket as if had never fallen out, but as soon as I forget to hold my jaw just right, it futilely falls out again. Two days ago, I noticed round brown bare spots at the roots of my left bottom canines. I can’t brush them out.

I like Sobe Essential Energy Naturally Energizing Orange with other Natural Flavors and a blend of Guarana, Ginsing, and Yerba Mate. Lightly Carbonated Flavored Energy Juice Drink from concentrate. Better-For-You Energy.

What the fuck is Natural supposed to mean, and why do I want to buy more of it?

Do little brown ants live mostly along the sidewalk, or does it only seem that way because you can’t see them in the grass?

I gave my car keys to a 14-year-old white girl in north Columbus. Her little sister screamed “faggot” at me from across the street while I was stripping the plates from my junker car. I walked across the street and pretended to steal the sister’s bike, and she punched me square in the lip. I didn’t move, flinch, or stop smiling, but my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Instead of stabbing her with my screwdriver like she suggested, I gave her my car. I don’t know if she ever came back for it; I moved to California first thing the next morning.

I performed Rondo Alla Turka at piano camp at double tempo in recital by accident. I couldn’t keep my foot on the petal because of the shaking. I blanked halfway through for about 10 seconds, but I managed to resume and finish.

I live in my head. That’s why my friend wrote the Quiz Facebook app with over two million users in a month while I did scrappy contracting gigs to survive while thinking about my dream startup.

But I did write a great startup manifesto. I learned how because my teenager hero was an ex southern baptist pastor. I still respect and admire him even though methodist church failed. He said that if you trusted Jesus enough, God would miraculously send money to your mailbox. That Sunday, I played Everquest all the last night and was slap-happy tired. My sister and I drew a comic strip on the church bulletin of what such a miracle might look like, and we broke into giggles in the middle of church. My dad was very ashamed for us the car ride home. Later that summer, I withdrew my summer savings in cash, hid the money in a blank envelope, and hid it in the donation basket in a blank envelope. I know I still respect and admire him for the same reason people love their expensive cars that they can’t afford. Knowing that my opinion is a common psychological fluke doesn’t change it —maybe because I got to buy God for a mere 4 months wages.

I can’t think of another time off the top of my head that I liked my sister. She once popped my car into neutral while fighting over the ratio station as I drove us to high school. I pretended that this was a serious mechanical failure so I could yell at her and make her feel bad.

I met “That Girl” at a party yesterday in Los Gatos. She’s 17 and her parents are Chinese and Jewish. If you are Chinese-American, and if you accept as an axiom that all Chinese parents must unfavorably compare their child to somebody else of greater worth, she says her parents complain that she works too hard.

When I’m not thinking about it, I turn on the radio while driving. When I notice what I’ve done, I turn it back off until I forget and turn it back on again.

Palm trees are weird.

Brains are dumb. Brains like:

• sex
• food

Brains don’t like boring walls of text about network programming in python or graphs about historic investment returns or patents (are legal documents purposely written to discourage you from reading and understanding them?).

But, brains are pretty crappy about understanding cause and effect. You probably learned about this in church.

SO: what if you wanted to teach your brain to like desk work? What if every time you had to spend 14 hours in emacs and books you loaded up with porn and Mountain Dew?

Oh wait, never mind. I’ve already described the modern IT enthusiast.

I don’t think the interesting question is if you can train your brain to like boring, technical tasks like programming with porn and sugar. I think the real question is how much porn and sugar have contributed to careers and industry.

from Walls and Flagstaves… was thinking about this today.

The helpful diagram helps illustrate exactly where “people” belong in “software engineering.”
(slide from OSU CSE 757)

to spend money to make machines think
think to spend machines to make money